Tired of ads? Upgrade to paid account and never see ads again!

Meanwhile, as Alex's world turns...

So, once again, I haven't been on in a loooooong while. I'm not sure where to start updating! It's now 2012, which is good. This year has actually gotten off to a banging start. Things were kind of rocky at my job, and now all of a sudden, I have offers for two different awesome positions. We finally put my mom's house up for sale last October and it's just been sitting there, but we got an offer out of the blue two days ago. If it sells, our finances will really look up. I've also lost 7 pounds since the beginning of the year and have worked out every night but once. So, hello 2012 and welcome. I'm liking you a lot!

In general, I am feeling very different lately, very optimistic. I don't know how to explain it. Do you ever feel like you have been sleeping for a long time and you just suddenly woke up and feel really different about everything? That's how I feel. I'm all of a sudden way more motivated to do things and change my life - to work harder and start to achieve some of my dreams. It's a little bizarre. I'm not sure I am where I'm supposed to be or want to be, and I want to get there. Changes at my job will be a big thing, and obviously getting healthier. But other things too. I don't know. I'm not explaining this very well. I watched Tangled with Pat and some friends of his from Delaware after Christmas, and watching Rapunzel tackle her fears and head out into the world inspired me. Pretty silly coming from a Disney movie, but I loved it. I've even been listening to the soundtrack - it just makes me happy!

I had a mammogram and sonogram a week or two ago and they found a little spot of something at the end of my scar that they are not positive is benign, so I have to go have a biopsy next week. *curls lip* Not fun. The doctor said she is really pretty sure it is related to my scar and so it will be fine, but she just wants to be extra cautious. I can understand that.

I got a new kitty in September - his name is Cid and he is orange and fluffy and adorable. He's 10 months old now and he's a hellion. He loves to attack the other kitties, which is not so good, and he's scratched me up on more than one occasion, but most of the time, he's very sweet and playful. He had pneumonia when I got him and had to be on antibiotics forever, but now he is so healthy!

I've found a few new shows I like lately - Revenge and American Horror Show (which is so awesome - I love bad horror movies and it's like a horror movie in every episode), plus Pat's friend Matty at work gave him Freaks and Geeks, so I've been watching that and it's so funny. :-) I also found a link for 21 albums of David Bowie for Matt for a Christmas present because he's a Bowie fan, so now I'm trying to listen to them all. I think I am a new fan!

Anyway, that's about it on my mind right now. I hope you all are having good luck in the new year - 2012 is the year of the Dragon, which is supposed to bring good fortune, so maybe we'll all have a good year. :-)

Writer's Block: Once upon a time…

What is the first line of your favorite book?

A green and yellow parrot, which hung in a cage outside the door, kept repeating over and over: "Allez vous-en! Allez vous-en! Sapristi! That's alright!"

- The Awakening by Kate Chopin

Survey Says

So, I realize I haven't posted in forever - not since the MRI anyway. (That turned out fine, btw - I have some little (4mm or less) spots, but the reading doctor thought they were okay enough to leave and look at in six months to see if they have changed.) Since then, things have been good - work has been good and we went on a mini-vacation last weekend to see Pat's friends from college, Mike and Lauren, in Delaware. (We went to an aquarium and I got to pet jellyfish, starfish, sharks, and stingrays, awesome, and a medieval faire that was really fun.) My laptop hard drive died like maybe a month back? So Mike fixed my computer up so now I can post again!

Emotionally, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel fine, even guilty for feeling fine, and then sometimes I can't stop crying and feeling like I am all alone and no one really loves me (even the cats!) and I am doomed. (Dramatic is my forte.) Post-traumatic stress, I guess.

Today I'm home because I don't feel well, added with some anxiety for no apparent fricking reason. Yay. Anyway, because I haven't done one of these in years, here's a survey!

1. story of my last kiss: I want to say it was yesterday? Maybe the day before. 4 years of marriage does that. :-)
2. one of my obsessions: Perfume.
3. what was going on in my life one year ago: I was two weeks into having radiation every freaking day for six weeks and feeling really tired. I had a very small amount of hair. Other than that, I was happy because I had made it through chemo and surgery and had no more cancer.
4. one of my insecurities: One? :-) Uh, my weight I guess.
5. my childhood career choice: I wanted to be a writer. I would write books on looseleaf paper and then tie them together with ribbons.
6. worst day of my life so far: Probably the day my dad died, because it was unexpected, although being diagnosed with cancer and the day my mom died from cancer are also close. They all sucked.
7. one thing id change about myself: I would love to have more energy about life in general. There's benefits to be laid-back, but I'm so laid back that I have a hard time finishing anything.
8. an object i own that has sentimental value: I own many things that have sentimental value to me - they all remind me of something special, but my parents' wedding rings come to mind first.
9. my favorite childhood toy: My bunny blanket.
10. school subject i was good at: English
11. one of my hobbies: Cooking
12. one of my bad habits: Setting out to have one cookie with my pre-bed tea and having four instead. (Boring, but better than my "drinking rum until I black out" pre-bed routine I had a couple years ago.)
13. the weirdest sexual encounter ive had: I can't say I've had a really weird encounter. Some exciting ones to be sure, but nothing weird.
14. where i want to be right now: I feel awful, so I'm in bed and that's good for me!
15. who i wish i could be: I like myself. There are things I want to change, sure, but the underlying general person? She's okay.
16. how old the person that i like/love is: 28
17. where id like to live: Somewhere with a beach - it would be nice to be further south so it wouldn't get so cold.
18. sexiest person that comes to mind immediately: Pat! :-)
19. a question of your choice: I think this is for you who are reading, so if something comes to mind, ask away (feel free to be anonymous, that's fine too).

In which Alex has an MRI; mayhem ensues.

So today has not been an optimal day. Pat woke me up and we said goodbye, and then I went back to sleep and dreamed about my mother dying all over again. I was trying to collect things she treasured so I could keep them all together. My father was still alive in the dream, and he kept talking to my mother as if she was still alive and in the dream I could see her nodding at what he was saying, but I knew she wasn't really there. It was so bizarre, the way dreams can be. I ended up crying my head off in the dream and then felt vaguely sad and worried all morning.

Anyway, on to work. I have to work for an hour and then leave to go for a breast MRI, which makes me nervous, so I'm clumsy and forgetful. I forget to add an attachment to an email to a client and forgot to put a title in bold in a letter (similar to the other 8,000 letters I have done this year which *all* have bold titles). Ugh. I am out of it. Then comes the big guns - it's off to get the MRI to see what's going on and if everything's kosher in my frontal section (left boob, specifically). I'm already freaking out because I hate tests where they put a needle in your arm, and for this test, they put in a little IV, so the needle stays there the whole time. My arm is already black and blue because I had to have blood drawn the day before the test, so I look rather junkie-esque.

The technician leads me back to the room and tells me what we'll do. She seems nice enough. She starts doing her thing, and I look away. She puts the needle in, undoes the strap, and puts on the IV. She is laughing cheerily and wiping something off my arm, which I can only presume to be blood and says that she wasn't quick enough with the wrist to keep some from coming out. I remind myself not to look, the last time I did, I nearly passed out. She deposits me back in the mini-waiting room to look at magazines while I wait. I bolt for my bag to get some orange juice so I *don't* faint. I'm starting to think I am never going to get past this phobia of needles in the crook of my arm.

Anyway, they usher me into the MRI room, my heart still pounding, and lay me face down, hook up my IV, and start sliding me into this incredibly small tube. They gave me headphones so I could listen to music, which today, did not help at all. Anyway, that's when I started feeling so awful. I was already kind of riled up from the needle and all, but it got increasingly worse. I was having awful thoughts and feeling nauseous and scared and my heart was pounding and I wasn't supposed to move, but I thought if I didn't get out of that tube asap I was going to have a heart attack. I was shaking and sweating. This goes on, to greater and lesser degrees (including one greater degree where they put the contrast into my arm through the IV and I thought I really was going to pass out). I'm thinking, it's only a few steps to the door, I could get out if I really need too. On the other hand, I want them to finish the test because it's important to know how things are looking in my rogue boob. Finally, FINALLY, they are done.

The nurse comes in all cheery and is like "Hop up!" I stare at her quizzically for a minute. She takes out my IV (finally, thank God), and then leads me back to the mini waiting room and dressing room so I can get dressed. For once, my veins cooperate and I don't start bleeding like a stuck pig. They give me a bandaid and I throw on my clothes as fast as possible, then bolt out of the office, down the hall, and to the bathroom, where I sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes until I can get myself together. I text Molly that no, she can't live in my basement, it's dirty down there and she would hate it, and that distracts me enough that I start to breathe normally.

Finally I come out of the bathroom and go to my car. The parking attendant calls me pretty lady, even though because of the lying face-down and shaking and sweating through most of the procedure, my face looks like a giant triscuit, and my hair can only be described as having lost its mind. I go and buy an iced coffee.

By the time I got back to the office, I felt much more myself, albeit with still giant lines all over my face. I'm not sure what people are thinking about me, lol. I'm going to go with "She must have left the office early to go have a torrid affair with someone and ended up facedown for most of it at a hotel." That way, I'm just a trashy ho and not an invalid. :-)

I felt the need to write about this, just to get it out. I have had MRI's before and they went fine, so to have this whole chain of events happen was just so odd. My friend at work says next time, ask for the some Valium. I think I might.

Writer's Block: The long and short of it

What's the longest book you've ever read? What's the shortest?

The longest is probably a tie between Anna Karenina and one of Stephen King's uber-long horror tomes. The shortest would probably be a children's book, although the book about the short life of Bree Tanner from Stephenie Meyer was pretty short.

Writer's Block: Your own toy story

Did you have a favorite stuffed animal, action figure, or doll growing up? If so, what was it and what happened to it?

I have a bunny blanket that has silk around the edges of the blanket that have completely worn away (and also is missing a good chunk because Posie likes to chew on it, which oddly just makes it dearer to me), and I still sleep with it. I know it's totally weird and not at all appropriate for a 30 year old, and I kinda just don't care. :-)
So Pat and I are friends with Andy and Katie (they're friends of Jesse and Amy and we end up seeing them a lot at Jesse and Amy's house, so we're friends, but probably not anywhere close to as good a friends as Jesse and Amy are with them - anyway, I digress, I'm just trying to set the scene here), so, Katie and Andy were living together and all that and Katie broke up with Andy. That happens. It's hard, because it's never easy to see your friends break up and try to move on, especially if it's hard on one or both of them, and in this case, Andy's taking it pretty hard. So he posted how Katie's saying there's no hope and he basically just feels like laying down and dying, and I'm like, "Oh man, I totally know how that is - life is such a bitch sometimes" and his two friends are like "stop being a pussy and man up" and I just cannot. stop. replying. I completely know how it feels and it's so hard to try to keep going when you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and then to be told you're a pussy? Ugh. I know I should not keep replying, but I just can't help it. So I'm posting here because I feel like I ought to apologize for even saying anything, but honestly, it just seems so harsh for them to be cutting him down like that. Is that right? I mean, is that helpful to guys that are going through a breakup? I had a couple really bad breakups myself and I know being told I was a pussy and needed to grow up wouldn't have been helpful to me, but I'm a girl, so maybe it's different.

I tell ya, I shouldn't be allowed to have a Facebook - I'm always getting in trouble with this stuff.

It all comes back to this.

I'm listening to iTunes and I inevitably end up listening to Linkin Park's Reanimation album. I can't help it - I think it might be my favorite album ever. (Or does all music sound good at 3am?)

April Fool's

I read on facebook today that this guy I'm friends with put official-looking signs on all the printers/copiers/scanners in the office saying they had voice recognition now so you could just say "Scan" instead of pressing the button. Lol. That's an awesome April Fool's joke. I didn't punk anyone today, but I wish I had thought of something like that. :-)

I've been in a funk for the past couple of days - not hungry, not sleeping well, just feeling anxious and tired and sad all the time. (Of course I embrace the not hungry feeling - I'm down 8 pounds now, woot.) I don't feel like cooking or cleaning or doing anything basically but napping and then staying up late watching tv because I can't go back to sleep. I'm still working out every night which is good. I can tell I'm a lot stronger - I'm up to an hour now of the program of different difficulties, like hills. I finished Season 2 of Sanctuary, so I've been downloading Season 3 and watching it a little here and there. I don't know if any of you saw the last episode of Season 2, but Will was dancing like a regular Bollywood star and I kind of fell in love with him. It was so cute. Anyway, my point in mentioning Sanctuary is that I've switched from that on demand to Weeds, Season 2, which is great (I watched Season 1 a long time ago and then just never got back to watching Season 2). I think Mary-Louise Parker is so pretty. I want brown eyes and long dark brown hair. Not going to happen, at least not any time soon in terms of the hair. I do have brown contacts for fun. :-) I told Pat that they never show her smoking weed on the show, which I found kind of odd for a show where she's a drug dealer, and he said the good drug dealers never do their product. Alex, learning the finer points of dealing drugs. Lol.

This weekend is Pat's birthday, so we're going out to dinner and to see Suckerpunch tonight. I got him a present but so far, it hasn't come in the mail and I ordered it a week and a half ago. Erg. I'm excited to see Suckerpunch - it's kind of in the vein of 300 and Sin City, but with girls. Cool, cool. Other than that, not too much is going on. Get up, go to work (late), eat a bagel for lunch, go back to work, go to the grocery store, spend 20 minutes trying to decide what I might be tempted to eat that evening, go home, possibly fall asleep, wake up at 8:30 to a very hungry husband, make dinner, watch tv, work out, take a shower, watch more tv, go to bed, toss and turn, lather, rinse, repeat. Yeah.


I feel all raw today, angsty and sensitive, like I have no skin. I don't know why. Well, it could partly be because I barely slept last night - I had restless legs like you would not believe. Ugh. And with everything going on... Yeah. I just feel very uncomfortable. Anyway, I'm basically just waiting until this day is over so I can go home and relax. Tomorrow I have to go to work even though it's Saturday because it's "Spring Cleaning Day". Ugh x 2. It's only from 9 to noon, but still. Come on. Saturday? *grumbles*

I got to see Molly yesterday, which was nice. I need to get out more. I'm glad spring is getting here. I opened the sunroof on the car yesterday and today and it was sooooo nice.

I also started the estate process for my mom's estate yesterday (ugh, it was fine, but I just don't even want to talk about it right now) and then I went to see a psychologist and bawled my eyes out for an hour. I miss my parents so much. I feel very messed up. I think it was good for me to talk about it though.

I tried to do too much after work and ending up going to bed really late and then not being able to sleep anyway, so I'm not even sure how I'm functioning today. Why can't laundry do itself? Ditto for dishes and vaccuuming...

So, uh, yeah. That's what's going on.